Zero for Zero
by willyolioleo
Summary: You'll never succeed if you never try. A student who finds the simplest tasks to be a challenge might need a little non-traditional help. A professional killer faces a challenge that can't be solved by stabbing. Maybe, together, they can elevate each other and even find some love... HA! HECK NO! Things are going to be stabbed, shot, and exploded. Halkeginia will never be the same.
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**Author's Notes: **Borderlands belongs to Gearbox, and The Familiar of Zero belongs to various people depending on which format you read or watch it in. Either way, they don't belong to me.

- So, this idea just popped into my head. Mostly because of the pun on names. But as I thought about it, I realized I could actually make things work.

- In all honesty, if you haven't seen The Familiar of Zero... I might recommend skipping it. Read The Hill of Swords by Gabriel Blessing (on this website) instead. I enjoyed his plot and characterization better than canon.

- One thing I'd also try to avoid (without simply dumping the main characters into a ditch) is a basic problem with these sorts of fanfics in particular- especially how easily powerful characters just go along with things. I mean, yeah, becoming her familiar is the entire point of the story, but it doesn't have to happen so _easily_. I remember one fic involving summoning the _T-1000 Terminator_ and... um... let's say it was a _lot_ nicer and accepted the idea of magic very easily.

- Lastly, if anything's confusing you, let me know! I'm seeing if I can make this fic accessible to people who haven't experienced one or the other (I'm pretty sure Borderlands and ZnT don't have a particularly large intersection of fanbases).

* * *

**0 + 0 = 0**

Zer0 had come to Pandora for a challenge after being disappointed at how utterly _soft_ everything was on the Eden planets. Most of his assassinations were against rich corporate executives, and rich people enjoyed vacationing on Eden-6, Eden-4, or Eden-3. He'd done a dozen jobs there, and in between jobs the only way he could keep his skills up was fight against his own hologram. The entire system was pathetic. He needed a challenge.

He'd moved on to Promethia, often rumoured to be harsh and unforgiving. He discovered it certainly _was_… for everyone but him. The so-called "harsh" part was the 40-hour work _days_, and the "unforgiving" part was the soldiers. Zer0 was… self-employed; he set his own hours. And the soldiers were only humans. Humans were squishy. Still, it was decent practice, certainly not a bad way to re-hone his skills after all the work in the Eden system.

That was when he heard about Pandora. Pandora, a planet where everyone was insanely homicidal and even the wildlife shat bullets. This place could actually be a challenge. When he arrived, the first few hours presented him with more disappointment. These "insanely homicidal" people weren't all that crazy, just remarkably prone to violence. But then he'd wandered out of town and realized that he'd only seen the civilized parts of Pandora. If anything, the stories he heard were understatements. The bandits weren't _just_ crazy homicidal, they were occasionally mutants that threw cars around or hid inside ammunition boxes for days just waiting to kill the next person who opened it. And the monsters? Well, a lot of them really _did_ shit bullets _and_ spat corrosive acid at him while dropping their lead-laden deuces.

It was enough to make him start to ask more profound questions about his life and the direction it was taking.

Questions like, "Is assassination truly the best way to go through life?" The answer, he discovered, was _no_. Clearly, he needed to hone his skills at killing large groups of enemies, like those damn bugs that kept swarming. His appreciation for submachine guns increased greatly. He still couldn't get used to using rocket launchers on a regular basis, though.

Then he had to ask, "Is it worth killing someone just for some money?" It was the way he used to live. And he had to answer _no_, again. _Loot_ was the reason he killed things on Pandora these days. When living on a planet where the frozen cacti could electrocute you to death, people got _really creative_ with finding ways to survive. Like linking the shield capacitors to your gloves to make _explosive punches_. Or stuffing medical nanites into a _grenade_ to heal your wounds while corroding your victim's body from the inside out. Or, his personal favourite, hacking an ammo SDU into a pistol so it never ran out of bullets. Ever. He still couldn't figure out how that one worked, and Maya wouldn't let him have it. Needless to say, necessity _really_ drove creativity on Pandora.

Which brought up another question. Couldn't he just kill her and take the gun? Well, _no_. She was a s_iren_. He'd never met one before in all his life, most likely because (apparently) only six of them existed in the galaxy, and now two were dead. Curiously enough, _four_ of them ended up on Pandora, although none of them were natives. Maya was one of them. These girls could teleport entire cities and vaporize robots with a snap of their fingers. He'd finally met someone completely out of his league. Even more surprisingly, he didn't feel any anger, regret, or inadequacy about that. In fact, it was almost… joy at knowing there would always be something out there that would be a challenge to him.

Like the Warrior, for instance. In fact, it was probably a challenge for Maya, too. Good thing they were on the same team, then.

And that brings us to the current question running through Zer0's mind: does a fire-elemental weapon actually do anything to a giant monster that likes to dive into lava for cover?

Who knew? Who cared? Salvador didn't. Zer0 watched as that muscular mudget blasted away at the Warrior with a pair of fire-bullet-spewing miniguns. Along with Axton and his turret, they were doing a good job of distracting the Warrior with a hailstorm of hot flaming lead. Whether those bullets were actually harming the beast wasn't too important, because Maya was using her abilities to chip away at the Warrior's thick hide.

Zer0 didn't really care about how a siren's ability worked, just that they did. On their way here, Maya regularly used her powers to pull groups of enemies together and immediately blast them apart in vicious explosions. To be quite frank, Zer0 found it rather annoying that she could do so much without even drawing her weapon. On top of that, she left him with very little to kill. There was even more to her powers than that, though- she seemed to warp reality to a small extent. When she was using her powers, bullets would randomly turn around and strike back at the ones who shot her. Her own guns seemed to defy reality and healed people by shooting them in the face. Sometimes, when he thought he was dying, his body suddenly moved backwards in time and wounds would be reset. Not healed at a ridiculously fast rate, the way healing nanites worked- the wounds seem to never have happened in the first place. Zer0 loved and hated Maya for that. It almost felt like cheating.

The Warrior was a good challenge, though. A challenge he had to admit he couldn't take on by himself. He had to- and more importantly, knew he could- depend on Maya's ability to wreak havoc on the Warrior's defenses. As she was doing at this very moment. A giant chunk of armour- or skin- just got ripped off the Warrior's head by Maya's phaselock. It was time to move in.

As he activated his suit's Decepti0n mode, he muttered a little mantra to himself.

"A worthy challenge.  
But you will now taste my blade.  
Time to end the fight."

The suit automatically projected a distraction hologram- not that it was needed, since Salvador and Axton still had plenty of bullets remaining and weren't letting up. He ran to the edge of the platform, where solid rock met lava, and _leapt_. His suit-enhanced jump propelled him high into the air, enough to reach one of the Warrior's horns. He grabbed on, swinging himself above the Warrior's head, where Maya had exposed some softer flesh.

Zero point eight seconds left. His suit's capacitors were almost empty, while his sword's capacitors were nearly full. He pulled out his digistruct blade and released all the energy stored inside as he stabbed down. The deception ended, but the monster wasn't finished. It reared backwards and threw a ball of lava at the gunners. Axton's turret was the only thing that couldn't jump out of the way.

Zer0 held on for dear life with one hand while repeatedly stabbing down with his other. The way the Warrior flinched each time he did was a good sign. The damn thing could _feel_ it. Three seconds left before the suit recharged.

It swiped at its own head with massive claws. Zero had to let go and dodge. Two…

The Warrior bucked back hard, throwing Zer0 into the air as it prepared to dive back down into the lava. One…

He twisted in the air and saw a rakk flying towards him. Stupid bird, thinking it could get a piece of him. Good timing, though. He kicked it, pushing himself back towards the Warrior. Zero.

"You thought you were strong.  
Stronger than one, but not four.  
Here's the Killing Bl0w."

Fully recharged, the suit re-activated Decepti0n mode. A burst of energy propelled him through the air, letting him catch up to the Warrior's dive into the lava. His suit analyzed the most potent place for him to stab his blade and highlighted it on his visor. This time, it was over. An additional burst of energy splattered its brains inside its own skull.

As the Warrior roared, spasmed, and finally crumpled down to the ground, the Decepti0n ended. The hologram created by the suit exploded into a storm of electricity, making the corpse twitch just a little. Zer0 rode the beast all the way down to the ground, then hopped off in front of his teammates who were already busy high-fiving each other. His helmet flashed a holographic "**0**" to signify the kill as he stood back, admiring his handiwork. The Warrior's head suddenly exploded as a supply crate from the Lagrangian station crashed through it.

"Doesn't hurt to be sure," Maya said, stepping away from the Hyperion computer console.

He heard some noise coming from behind him. Looks like Lilith finally managed to take off that weird restraint. And Jack was still alive, and ranting. Not for long, though- Lilith fried him to a crisp. Heh. Serves that jerk right. The others were all gathering around and talking about the vault key. Lilith wanted to destroy it. Zer0 didn't really care, himself, since it led to a pretty challenging fight. Exactly what he'd been looking for when he came to Pandora.

Well, it was time to start looting the place. Jack had brought piles and piles of refined eridium to the Warrior's lair to fuel Lilith's siren powers. There was plenty left over- and that was worth plenty of money. He grabbed handfuls of it, storing it as quickly as his storage deck unit could digistruct the material. And the crates! Obviously Jack had been prepared for the possibility that the Warrior wouldn't be so cooperative. There were dozens of other shipping containers dropped from Hyperion's Lagrangian station, filled to the brim with some of Hyperion's best weapons.

The first case had a shotgun in it. Not his usual style, but it was certainly a high quality weapon. Despite- or perhaps because of – Hyperion's total lack of ethics, they _did_ manage to make some of the best weapons available on Pandora. Not to mention he needed a good gun to handle those damn swarms of bugs. He stuffed that into his SDU. He hoped he could find a stealthier SMG to replace his current one.

The next case had a sniper rifle in it. It was finely crafted, no doubt. Very clean. Very blue. He peered down the scope. Good zoom, good tracking abilities. Slag damage modifier, which was always useful. He fired off a test shot at one of the annoying rakks flying overhead. Given the way the beast vanished into a cloud of blood and guts, this rifle did some excessively heavy amounts of damage. Perfect.

"How could you waste bullets like that? You know there are children out there who can't even afford to get shot?"

_Who said that?_ Zer0 looked around. The others were still arguing over the Vault Key, so it certainly wasn't them. But wait- the Vault Key was projecting some weird image. Planets. Dozens of planets- with vault markers. Spread all across the galaxy. It was kind of mesmerizing. He forgot about the voice immediately, entranced by the possibilities of more challenges, more ancient Eridian Warriors to defeat. One of these planets caught his eye. He didn't know why- the holographic projection wasn't particularly detailed, just a few dots to tell him the planet was in the Perseus Arm, cluster M94, second planet, and it had two moons. Really, just a bunch of dots. He couldn't stop staring, though. Everything else seemed to fade out as he walked forward, completely forgetting about the loot, or the voice, or the piles of eridium. What was so special about this planet? His hypnosis was so complete that he couldn't even feel surprised when the vault key suddenly flashed with energy, and Zer0 found himself falling into nothingness.

"Great. How can you possibly call yourself a professional killer when you can't even avoid a wormhole?"

It was the _gun_ that said that? Well, at least it wasn't as annoying as his SMG…

* * *

What was the worst that could happen? Louise was almost shaking as she was called up for her turn in the Springtime Familiar Summoning ritual. Everybody else had already gone. The worst thing? Maybe… an ant. She'd summon an ant as a familiar. That would be embarrassing. Wait, no, that wouldn't be the worst, because regardless of how pathetic that familiar was, it would have meant she'd at least successfully summoned a familiar. No. The worst was simply what she _already_ _knew_ was going to happen.

She'd summon nothing at all. The same results she'd get in every class.

She'd explode the ritual circle. Just like how she blew up every demonstration spell in class.

Everyone would laugh at her. Just like they did in every class.

Except this time, she'd have to pack her bags and go home. While everyone else returned to class.

But she had to _try_, didn't she? Because a familiar was the proof of a magical bond, and magic was the proof of nobility. Maybe if she didn't try at all, she could keep it a mystery. Keep the hope alive. And maybe cry herself to sleep with that infinitesimally small hope that _maybe_ she still _could_ be a mage.

"Come on, Zero, hurry up!" That came from that stuck-up, narcissistic, stupid blonde girl that Louise hated. Montmorency. Being a water mage, she summoned a pretty pathetic little familiar- a frog that was small enough to sit on her hand. It was a useless little thing. Louise wanted to laugh at her for it, except that she had no familiar of her own.

"Hey, do you _want_ to get us all blown up? I just summoned Flame! He'll be traumatized!" This time it was the incredibly fickle, flamboyant, slutty, stupid redhead girl that Louise _also_ hated. Kirche. She'd summoned a perfectly respectable familiar, a fire salamander about the size of a crocodile. Not very creative with names, that girl. Louise wondered what she'd name _her_ familiar. Then she remembered she had to summon one first.

A wooden staff tapped Kirche on the shoulder. "Loud." Kirche's friend Tabitha was practically ignoring Louise. She was sitting on the grass, reading a book instead. Of course, she totally could, because she was a tiny, four-eyed, antisocial, unfairly overpowered, _not_-stupid blue-haired girl that Louise couldn't help but be jealous of. She didn't summon a familiar today, but that was because she did her ritual three years early or so. She just came down here today with her _DRAGON_ out of courtesy for everyone else. Louise hated her too.

Needless to say, Louise didn't have many friends at the academy.

"Louise Françoise le Blanc de la Vallière!" Professor Colbert shouted her full name to get her attention. It wasn't quite as bad as when her mother did it, but it did manage to snap her out of her stupor. "It's your turn."

At least her anger was just enough to overcome her fear. She stepped up to the summoning circle. She tried to ignore the murmurs and whispers. At least Montmorency and Kirche had the decency to say it out loud. Everyone else spoke into their friends' ears. Pointing. Snickering. They didn't even have to hide it. Louise knew what they were saying, because they'd all said it before.

_Hey, the Zero's performing a spell again! Better start running!_

_Why does she even try? She's just going to make a mess._

_I'm surprised she's still allowed to stay at the academy this long!_

_Hey, at least we'll get proof that Louise truly is a Zero!_

She gritted her teeth. She wouldn't screw this one up. She had magic. She _knew_ she had magic. Those explosions didn't come from gunpowder, after all. She'd just force as much magic as she could into this summoning ritual and summon a massively powerful creature- a gryphon, maybe a manticore. She began to speak the ritual words.

"Pentagon of the five elemental powers…" The summoning circle began to glow. At least it was receiving her magic.

"Heed my summoning, I beg of you…" Although they were just words, begging to an inanimate object sounded a little weird. Not to Louise, though. If it guaranteed a successful summoning, she would have grovelled and kissed the dirt it was drawn on.

"Find my servant, somewhere in the universe…" The summoning circle's glow shifted colour as it grew brighter, from pure white to a slightly violet tint. Louise didn't notice; she was too busy making sure she was forcing plenty of magic into the circle while chanting the correct words. Professor Colbert made a cautious mental note. The rest of the students took this as a sign that an explosion was imminent.

"My beautiful, powerful, graceful, wonderful familiar…" Colbert frowned. She might have changed a word or two there, or left something out. Wasn't "faithful" one of the usual words? Just as he was wondering about the implications, a powerful beam of light shot up from the circle, straight into the sky. It shone past the clouds, and seemed to reach the sun. Maybe even further. He gaped.

"From the bottom of my heart, I ask you… bring him to me!"

The resulting explosion was the biggest one that Louise had ever accomplished. Even the students who'd been prepared for an explosion didn't anticipate it to be _that_ large. Everyone was bowled over, save for Tabitha. Her dragon shielded her from the blast.

"By the Founder, how could you mess up _that_ badly?" Someone managed to yell, despite their coughing.

"Brimir's bloody ballsack! Louise, are you _trying_ to kill us?"

"LANGUAGE, everyone!" Colbert shouted. He was about to dispel the dust when a powerful wind blew it all away. "Thank you, Tabitha," he nodded to the small girl.

She only nodded slightly and pretended to go back to reading her book. In actuality, she was keeping her attention on the center of the summoning circle, where a… person was standing. Colbert saw the same thing, but only for a split second. It _flickered_, and then exploded into a storm of lightning magic.

Thankfully, the first blast had knocked most of the students well away from the summoning circle, while Colbert was skilled enough to shield himself and Louise. The miniature lightning storm continued for a few seconds before it finally died out, leaving nothing in the center of the circle. It was completely bare.

"Geez, Louise, you weren't satisfied with one explosion? You had to fry us with lightning, too?"

"Are you kidding? Lightning's _at least_ line-class magic. There's no way the Zero could have done it!"

"Still failed her summon, though. Hey, Louise, I think it's time to go home!"

"QUIET!" Colbert shouted, casting a silencing spell over the entire class. He wanted to investigate what he'd seen, what could possibly be Louise's familiar, but now he had other responsibilities. He usually tried to stop the inordinate amount of bullying that Louise received, but given that the students only had an hour with him each day, he knew it was generally futile. He was aware they teased her at meals, in the halls, in between classes… and he had no idea how to stop it. It was rare for him to lose his temper, but when he failed at something as simple as protecting a little girl… it reminded him of his limitations, despite all his power. He turned to the little pink-haired student he was protecting. And his inability to help her became all the more obvious.

Louise stared at the empty space at the center of the crowd. There it was, nothing at all. No frog. Not even an ant. Just nothing. She was so horrified she couldn't even cry at her failure; she just sat there in shock. She was nobody. A failed mage. A zero. She'd be cast out of her family, or maybe just married off for some political gain. That's all she was good for now. A housewife. A babymaker. A trophy.

Louise fainted.

* * *

Zer0 was just finished stuffing that annoying sniper rifle into his SDU when a bright light shone in front of him. He was falling towards it without any control, but at least he was falling in a _direction_ now. The best he could do was twist his body so that, hopefully, he'd land on his feet.

The landing was surprisingly gentle, less than the 0.1g moons. It was almost like someone had gently placed him on the ground. He couldn't say the same for the others, though. A massive explosion rocked the area, centered on him, as far as he could tell. He checked his shield- nope, that wasn't the problem. It was still fully charged. He hadn't dropped a grenade by accident, either. Targets began popping up on his visor.

"This is curious.  
No longer on Pandora.  
There are _children_ here."

Pandora wasn't the type of place where people would want to raise children. At least, not well-adjusted children. Or living ones. The combination of poor sanitation, poor quality food, vicious wildlife, lack of education, and liberal application of violence to solve small disputes meant that "I'm having a baby" was understood as "I'm having it for dinner." The people who populated the planet were either insane or driven insane; usually the prisoners or homeless folk who had been rounded up by corporations to perform forced manual labour. Moxxi was the only one he could think of that actually managed to raise kids; none of them turned out completely sane, though.

So by his visor's readout, it was obvious that this couldn't possibly be Pandora. There were about four dozen lifeforms in his immediate vicinity, half of them young children, and the other half were creatures that _weren't_ trying to eat them.

So, not Pandora, but he still needed to figure out what planet this was. Maybe it was the one he was staring when the vault key was displaying the holograms. He had no way to check, though. He needed to find out.

Good thing the explosion kicked up a lot of smoke. It would give him a good amount of time to get out of here and get a good look. He threw up Decepti0n for good measure and silently darted away from the crowd, leaving a holographic copy standing in the middle doing nothing at all. Outside of the dust cloud, he took in his surroundings It was green. Very green. Kind of like the highlands on Pandora, minus the stalkers and robots and threshers and other things that generally kept trying to kill him.

Everything was surrounded by a giant wall, though. If he had to estimate, it was probably close to ten meters tall. The castle on his left looked odd, as well. Ancient. That was the word he needed. On Pandora everything was either newly built by Hyperion, or fairly new but falling apart because it got blown up or attacked by bandits. This thing looked _old_. Still, it had plenty of ledges to climb. With a few more seconds of Decepti0n to go, he leapt up from ledge to ledge, reaching one of the mid-level balconies before his suit ran out of power.

He took advantage of his new vantage point. Beyond the walls were… trees. Lush green trees. He hadn't seen a tree since… Eden-4. Promethea and Pandora were both pretty devoid of plant life- at least, the type that wasn't trying to kill you.

That was disappointing.

He'd ended up on some _soft_ world. With kids and plants and everything.

Well, it was time to look inside the building. He jumped through a window into an unoccupied bedroom. Was there anything useful to scrounge up? What he saw shocked him.

It was like he'd travelled back in time. He had to reassess his earlier evaluation of the castle. Maybe the building wasn't ancient. Maybe it was _brand new_ and that was just the level of technology that these people were at.

There was a _bale of hay_ beside a mattress. Everything was made of wood. Well, there was some metal here and there, so they must have reached the Iron Age at least. There was no chance at finding a datapad or ECHO recorder here for information. He wondered if they'd invented _paper_ yet. Oh, wait, there was a book on the table. So they did have paper, at least. But no light switches, which meant no electricity. He opened the door and stepped into the hallway. Yep, burning torches lit the place up.

Well, this was bad. No electricity definitely meant no heavy industrial synthesizers, which meant no extra bullets. And no spaceships, for that matter. He had just over a hundred sniper rounds, two hundred shotgun shells, five hundred pistol bullets and a thousand SMG rounds to find a way off this planet. Now, since he had to take an ancient civilization that hadn't even discovered electricity yet and bring them up to the level of manufacturing a powerful sub-space distress beacon, that probably meant he had to take over the world to do it. He _really_ wished he had Maya's infinite-bullet pistol now. So he had to conserve ammo. This would be a bit of a challenge… maybe even a fun one. He helped overthrow a corporate dictator not more than a few minutes ago. Taking over the world on limited ammo might be entertaining.

Perhaps he could find a library. Get a better sense at their tech level- or, at least, find a map, maybe some star charts. He walked down the hall until he saw a servant girl scrubbing the floor. Did they speak his language?

"Excuse me, girl.  
Sorry for the intrusion.  
Where's the library?"

He also flashed a "**:)**"on his helmet for good measure.

She looked up and finally noticed. She yelled some gibberish, backing away in horror. Apparently their languages _weren't_ compatible. The hologram above his helmet turned to a "**:(**", causing the maid to scream again in surprise.

Well, this wasn't good. He was getting far too much attention. Time to make a quick exit. He leapt over the railing of the nearby staircase, intending to dart out the main door. When he did, he suddenly realized he was falling faster than he was used to. It was only a four-floor drop, but the ground was looking astonishingly scary.

Right. He wasn't on Pandora any more. Terminal velocity on _this_ planet might actually hurt.

* * *

An incredibly strong, burning sensation on his hand woke Zer0 up. He was lying down on a bed, and his legs felt immensely better. Good to know that medicine in this world was far more advanced than their plumbing. It still didn't explain why his hand felt like it was he was being branded.

"Congratulations, Louise. You've completed the familiar summoning ritual."

One adult, slightly balding, had said that. He was holding Zer0's hand, scribbling some notes down as quickly as he could. Small girl, pink hair, must be the one who was called "Louise." Tall redhead, short bluehead. Oh, and the maid. And an older brunette. She looked like the medic type- as in, completely unlike Dr. Zed. She might actually have a medical license. If medical licenses existed on this planet. All of them surrounded the bed. At least they weren't hostile.

"Y-you're my familiar now, right?" Louise asked in a meek shout. It seemed like she was far too scared of him, yet was doing her best to be commanding.

"That's interesting.  
I can understand you now.  
Familiar? Me?"

"Yes! I'm your master now, do you understand?" This little girl started pointing a little wooden stick at him. Zer0 found it amusing.

"Master?" He wondered what she meant by that. She thought she'd command him? He never had anyone who _controlled_ him. He had employers, sure. But when they overstepped their bounds and presumed they could force him into anything, he corrected them with a blade through the throat. Still, this was a small girl from a foreign culture on a different planet. Maybe he'd give her a few more chances.

"That's right!" Louise responded, pleased with his reply. Evidently she didn't understand the "**:(**" over his head. "Was that lightning storm your doing? Or are you a commoner?"

"Commoner?" The hologram changed to a "**?**" as Zer0 looked around. The others seemed just as puzzled. Was she asking if he was common? Well, everyone was a very special and unique snowflake; except that most of them shared common weak spots. Eyes, throat, in between the vertebrae, unarmoured underbelly, and kneecaps if you wanted to stretch out the pain a little. It was rare for him to meet a truly special snowflake like the Warrior.

The small, blue-haired one answered for him. "Fingers."

Apparently Louise, the redhead, and the maid hadn't noticed, gasping at the revelation. The two older ones seemed to be well aware of it already. He had four fingers, each of them about twice as long as a human's. He waved his hand.

"What are you?" Louise demanded.

Zer0 just shook his head.

"What's your name, then?"

"Zer0." When he said that, he saw Louise suddenly get very angry. The redhead doubled over in laughter, while the two older ones seemed to have a little trouble hiding their shock. The small blue one was the only one who remained calm. The maid was just confused at everyone's reaction.

"Louise…" The man put his hand over hers, forcing her to drop the little wooden stick. Turning Zer0, he asked, "Is your name truly Zero?"

Zer0 nodded, displaying a "**:)**" now.

"So Louise the Zero summons a Zero! You couldn't ask for a better familiar!" The redhead laughed. She was on the floor now, rising only as tall as her little bluehead friend.

While Louise was still trying to calm down, the older man decided to ask a few questions of his own. "Zero, is that a suit, or your actual skin? Our water mages were able to heal your legs through the material, but we couldn't remove it at all. There are no buttons or strings or hooks…"

"Suit," Zer0 replied, shrugging. Well, it was a skintight, airtight, lightly armoured envirosuit. When he was this far ahead in technology, he couldn't blame them for thinking he was some kind of mythical beast with strange skin.

"And I presume that's not your actual head, then. It's a helmet of some kind?"

Zer0 nodded.

"May we see your face, then?"

Zer0 shook his head.

At this point, Louise decided she needed to step in. "Familiar, I order you to take off that helmet!"

Zer0 just ignored her and decided to get up instead. He easily towered over everybody else. It seemed like everyone was even shorter than the other Vault Hunters he was running with only an hour ago. Well, except Salvador. The only thing shorter than him were midgets. And maybe that blue-haired girl. Turning to the medic woman, he bowed and said, "Thanks."

"I… uh… you're welcome," she replied. "Where are you going?"

Honestly, he had no idea. Off this planet was the eventual goal, but again, he didn't know where to start. Getting used to 1g of gravity was priority one. "Away," he answered.

"Familiar, you're not going anywhere! You're staying with me, you hear?" Louise scrambled after him. "You're mine!"

"Yours?" Zero's helmet flashed "**:(**" again.

"Yes! I summoned you! You have to do what I say! I'm your master!" Louise huffed angrily. "Look, I'll forgive you if you just take off that helmet right now." She grabbed Zer0 by the wrist to hold him back. He kept on walking, leaving Louise to skid across the floor as she held on tight.

"Forgive?" The hologram changed to "**LOL.**"

"That's right. I can't believe you still don't understand. I got such a doofus for a familiar. I'll explain it again. I'm your master, and you're my…"

"Minion?"

"YES! Well, it's not the best word for it, but that's close enough. Finally!"

Zer0 quickly whirled around, breaking Louise's grip with ease. He bent down until his helmet was almost touching Louise's nose.

"Just like Claptrap was:  
You're cluelessly persistent.  
Me? A minion? No."

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

- Well, there's your introduction! I have to say it was kind of hard figuring out what kind of person Zer0 actually is. It could range anywhere from psychopath killer to honourable ninja, given how little backstory he's got. The backstory he _does_ get in-game is really just other characters talking about how they have no idea what his backstory is. So... yeah. I hope my Zer0's acceptable.

- And like I said at the beginning, there's some things I try to avoid; that is, forcing certain plot events to happen, despite the characters' personalities (or knowledge) being completely unsuitable. For those of you who've read lots of ZnT fics, you know the next most important plot point that sort of needs to be in every fic. I'm still wondering how to approach it.


	2. 0 x 2 0

**Author's Notes: **BL and ZnT belong to other people, but wild wacky insanity belongs to everyone.

- The more I think about this story, the more I realize I could merge the BL and ZnT worlds. Except it would also require throwing away a _lot_ of the canon plot. But hey, why not? The main factor is that, in most ZnT crossovers (in canon, too, for that matter), the summoned person tends to have a rather flimsy excuse for actually listening to Louise. I tried thinking of many excuses, came up with _maybe_ one or two... and reminded myself, "screw it. Zer0's a vault hunter assassin." This won't be easy on Louise.

- I've decided on a quota of at least one thing shot, stabbed, and/or exploded per chapter.

* * *

**0 x 2 = 0**

Manual searching. This was absolutely ridiculous. The computing power in his belt buckle alone was more advanced than the rest of the planet combined. He was _millennia_ ahead of the locals in trouser-retaining technology while these poor saps sacrificed fruits and vegetables to keep their weather gods happy. Probably. He wasn't particularly concerned with local culture. He was looking for any hints that geological sciences existed here.

Getting off this planet required a beacon. A crude beacon required iron, copper, titanium, carbon, gold, silver, platinum, and silicon in bulk. And plenty more trace elements. At least he was already carrying several ingots of refined eridium inside his SDU.

All of which would have taken two seconds to search for if it had been digitized, which was his current mission. So far he'd had to resort to digistructing books into his SDU, letting the SDU's computer figure out what parts of its atomic structures formed actual words, translating them, and stored all the data into one searchable file. All those stupid advertisements about fitting ten quadrillion pages of text into one memory chip suddenly seemed relevant. Zer0 was spending hours each day, going through the thousands of tomes stored in the castle's library, hoping he'd come across something useful.

Which was still much easier than what the locals had to do to find anything; they needed to actually open the books and flip through pages to find the right words. If they had to waste this much of their time looking for information every time, it would take a miracle for them to even reach the industrial age. The one other person he saw regularly in the library - Tabitha, the little blue-haired one - was pretty efficient at it, though. She always seemed to know exactly where to go to find the book she wanted. Or maybe she just wasn't picky about picking random books off the shelves.

He was just finished scanning his 2,643th book when he noticed that very girl looking up at him no more than an arm's length away.

Zer0 was shocked.

This should have been impossible. She'd snuck up on him. But he should have noticed the signs. The way she walked, almost ready to spring off in an odd direction at a second's notice. Despite covering her eyes and burying her face in her books as she read, she'd always glance over the top of her books to keep track of everyone who had entered the library. And most of all, she'd kept a _very_ close eye on him over the past few days. Even when he was cloaked to avoid the brash pink annoyance.

That girl was a professional assassin. A child. From a garden planet, no less.

She was watching him with her face half-covered, but her eyes were clearly keeping track of Zer0's movements. His hands were nowhere near his sword or his quickdraw SDU. Her hands were on her staff, clearly a weapon of some sort. "Topic?" she asked innocently.

Oh, right. Even though she was an assassin, it was rather ridiculous to think she'd been sent to attack him. She'd stood right beside him when he was unconscious for a while.

"Mining," he replied. She beckoned him to follow as she weaved through the shelves and stacks of books, and handed several to him. He scanned in those ones as well. Mining and surveying techniques. Lists of successful nobles who owned quarries and mines. Triangle-class Earth Mage spells for gold extraction. He searched those terms up- apparently it was a classification of power. _Weird_ powers. Almost like sirens. Except instead of six in the galaxy, it was more like one in six in the local population. Although useless for him, it was very insightful as to how things were done on this planet, and a list of names he could threaten or assassinate to get his hands on the resources he needed. He flashed a "**:)**" for her.

He continued scanning in more books from that section of the library when he found himself being watched by the girl again. "**?**"

Apparently she was very curious about him. She was holding a complete atlas of Halkeginia. Zer0 had scanned that one about a thousand books ago. "Home?" she asked.

Interesting. Nobody had ever bothered asking that of him before. Alright, so he wasn't exactly a social person. The vault hunters were concentrating on killing Jack, Jack only wanted Zer0 dead, the (sane) Pandorans were scared of him, and the insane Pandorans tended to wind up dead before they could ask. And pre-Pandora, most people were more interested in finding a way to get away from him, not find his home. Not that he had a home, but it was the thought that counted. Most contractors hired him by calling him directly through his ECHO.

This time, the roles were reversed. He brushed aside the atlas, but beckoned the girl to follow him. He led her to the astronomy section, which he had already used to confirm his galactic location. Now it was just a matter of figuring out which one to call "home."

Definitely not Pandora. It was a fun, wild adventure, maybe a place to visit on vacation, but not home. Definitely not the Eden system. Good money there, but boring. Promethea, maybe? He'd spent a fair number of months there. But his earliest memories were from planet Tartarus. He'd left the place long ago, but it was probably the place that fit the definition of "home."

He flipped to the page his computer told him to, and pointed to the star.

The normally-stoic girl glanced back and forth between him and the star he was pointing at. Her mouth jaw dropped more and more as her worldview started to fall apart, until she was left with her mouth hanging open. She slammed the book shut before finally squeaking out, "Secret?"

Zer0 was starting to like this girl. Professional. Concise. Quiet. She could take reality-shattering information in stride, and also knew the value of secrets. "Unimportant," Zer0 answered.

* * *

"FAMILIAR! Are you hiding here again?" screamed Louise. She stormed into the library to see Zer0 sitting across from Tabitha.

"Shh." Tabitha put a finger to her lips, but Louise ignored her.

"You can't deny you're my familiar! You got the runes! The summoning was complete! You'll do as I say! And I've ordered you to stop hiding from me!" Louise continued. Zer0 continued sitting on the chair, only tilting his head slightly. Tabitha quickly got out of her seat and disappeared amongst the stacks of books.

"Hey, Zero! Would you quiet down a little?" A tall blond prettyboy emerged from another corner of the library with a first-year girl in tow. "You're interrupting our… uh…"

"Research," the girl completed for him.

"Go away, Guiche. I'm dealing with my familiar right now," Louise said. Zer0 still hadn't moved.

"Oh, that's rich. You summoned a familiar and the first thing it did was try to kill itself? You could try punishing it, you know- oh, but you can't cast any spells!" He laughed as Louise's face turned a bright tomato red. "Here, little one. Allow me." He created a bronze sword out of thin air with a single wave of his wand.

The first-year girl was very impressed. Louise was not. "Showoff," she muttered, but grudgingly accepted the help.

"Do you know what this is, familiar?" Guiche held the sword at Zer0's neck. He didn't even flinch. "Now, you listen to your master or else you'll have to answer to-"

The Zer0 sitting in front of them suddenly winked out of existence, and a burst of electricity shocked the three students into spastic fits on the ground, as well as setting a few things on fire.

Tabitha returned at that very moment, putting out the flames with some simple wind and ice magic before any permanent damage had been done.

* * *

Without the convenience of nutrient syringes, Zer0 realized he would actually need to pack _food_ to sustain himself for the journey ahead. He needed resources, and the easiest way to get it was to simply buy it. No marketplace in the academy meant he had to travel to a city. Nobody in the school wanting people to be killed meant no money, either. He'd probably find both of them in town, which was several days' walk away. Oh, how he actually longed to hear Scooter's annoying voice again- if only that kid were here to hack together a vehicle.

So, walking to town it was. And these chefs could _cook_. As long as they weren't scrambling over themselves to get away from him.

"Oi, calm down, Siesta! He ain't so bad! Get back to serving breakfast, will you?" the large man said. "Now, you're that… _special_ familiar, aren't you? What is it you need?"

"Food for a journey.  
I will go search for work  
In Tristania."

"Hah! First I've heard of it, a familiar that'll earn his pay instead of loafing about in the stables. Come on, then, take what you need! We've got plenty of bread and soup. It might not be much, but it'll fill you right up!"

Zer0 nodded in understanding, but pointed curiously at the plates of eggs, bacon, waffles, fruits, sausage, sweet buns and other assorted goodies the workers were carrying out of the kitchen.

"Hm? Oh, that food's reserved for the nobles, you see. We're not allowed to touch it, except to prepare it, of course."

Zer0 decided to follow the girl, Siesta, the very same one who he'd scared half to death on his arrival. She was clearly unnerved by his presence, but did her best to ignore him. They entered a grand dining hall of the school. As she placed the plates down in front of the various students, her nerves got the best of her. She spilled the contents, a plateful of runny eggs and greasy sausage, onto the lap of a blond boy who was attempting to woo the girl sitting next to him.

"…I swear to you, Mon-Mon, you're the only… AUUGH!" His screech was enough to silence the rest of the dining hall, although he didn't notice. "You _STUPID _maid! Do you know how much these trousers cost? Ugh! There isn't even any point in making you pay it back; you'd never earn enough money in your _lifetime_ to fix this!" He stood up, rounding on her as he conjured up a bronze sword. "I swear I'll make sure you never set foot near the academy again!"

Zer0 noted the sword. It was a crude weapon, best used as a prop, maybe useful enough to spread butter. But it was interesting that he was able to create it. It certainly wasn't digistructing technology, but it was _some_ kind of matter manipulation. He watched the scene in interest.

Siesta whimpered as she dropped to her knees. "Please! Please! I'll wash it, make it good as new! Please, I need to keep working… I have a family…" She got out a washcloth and attempted to wipe at the stains. Unfortunately, most of the food had landed in a rather sensitive area of his pants, causing all the students who were watching the scene to burst out in laughter.

"You… you _dare_ to touch me like that? Get your hands off me, you filthy commoner!" He raised his sword angrily. The way it shone in the morning sun really helped highlight his beet-red face.

Siesta ran and ducked behind Zer0 as he brought the sword down. It bounced harmlessly off of Zer0's shields. Zer0 noted that the damage amounted to almost nothing.

"You again? Zero's familiar?" He somehow got even more angry this time. "I've had it with these… _insolent_ creatures running about the school. I, Guiche de Gramont, swear to uphold this academy's honour and not let the likes of _you_ ruin its reputation!"

Zer0 had no idea what the boy was rambling on about. It made a _little_ more sense than what spewed from Psychos' mouths before they went on a murderous rampage, but not by much.

"She deserves punishment! Are you intent on protecting her?"

Being a bodyguard wasn't exactly at the top of his skill set. Killing bodyguards, that was a piece of cake. He looked back and forth between the two children. This was just silly.

"Well? Step aside then!"

Zer0 didn't enjoy being ordered around. Sure, he was fine with following orders when there was a common goal- like trying to find safe haven from continuous orbital bombardments. Here, though? What was this kid offering him?

"Reward?"

Guiche stared at him, bug-eyed for a second before he pulled back with a hearty laugh. "You expect me to _reward_ you for doing what you should be doing, you animal? Step aside, or I will cut you down."

Siesta whimpered behind Zer0, still clutching to him out of fear. At least she'd found something scarier than him, now. The other students were gathering around, eagerly watching the scene unfold. Well, for all intents and purposes, she was his. And on Pandora, when someone wanted something from someone else, there was really only one good solution.

"Duel?"

"Duel? You wish to duel me? Me, Guiche of the Bronze, a line-class earth mage, for a common maid?"

Well, the past few days _had_ been boring, despite the necessity of his research.

"Yes."

"Very well! A duel it is!" Guiche turned around, still flailing his sword around. "You will meet me in the Vestr-" Guiche stopped and looked down at his chest. There was a thin, glowing blade sticking out of it. Oh, and blood. Lots of blood. That wasn't… that wasn't normal. What was that doing there?

Everybody screamed and scattered as Guiche hit the floor in a pool of his own blood. Zer0 just looked at him. This… this didn't even deserve a zero. "**-9001**" popped up on his holographic display. There, that was more fitting. What a total utter disappointment. He agreed to a duel, and instantly turns his back to his opponent? No wonder these idiots were stuck in the feudal age.

"Familiar! I've been looking for you everywhere!" A shrill voice came echoed in from the hallway. "Now you listen here! For that trick you pulled in the library, I'm taking away your food for a week! You're my familiar, do you unders…" The little blob of pink hair stopped at the sight of her fallen classmate. The blood was oozing out of him a little faster now that Zer0 pulled his blade out, letting the wound flow freely.

"Louise! What's this I hear about your familiar attacking a student?" Several adults finally came rushing into the room.

Louise looked between them, Zer0, Guiche's body, Zer0 again, and then the window. "I have no familiar! I failed the summoning!" She screamed as she leapt through the only available exit.

* * *

"Miss Vallière," Headmaster Osmond stated sternly, "Look at me when I speak to you."

Louise was curled up in a ball in the armchair opposite Osmond, with her face behind her knees. She lifted her head a little, but her long pink hair continued to obscure her eyes.

Osmond sighed. With Guiche de Gramont in the infirmary barely hanging on to his life, General Gramont would be storming into the academy at any moment, and the man would be demanding answers. The headmaster was generally a fan of a more hands-off approach to student discipline, but in this case Louise could either be interrogated by himself, or… well, a man who had the keys to an actual torture chamber underneath the Western Tristain barracks.

"Let's begin again, Miss Vallière. Where were you this morning at eight?"

"….sleeping," Louise murmured out.

"Did you order your familiar to attack Mr. Gramont?"

Louise shrank down again and mumbled, "…nommymilurr…"

"What was that, Miss Vallière?"

"He's not my familiar…" Louise repeated, barely audible.

Miss Longueville, Osmond's assistant, finally broke her silence and started to chide Louise. "We've all seen the runes, and half a dozen people were there to witness the- EEP!" She was interrupted quickly by a little white mouse scurrying up her dress.

Osmond held out his hand and the mouse jumped over to him. "Thank you, Chuchu. There's no need to be harsh, Miss Longueville. Explain what you mean when you say that he's not your familiar, Miss Vallière, as the records _do_ show otherwise."

"I…" Louise took in a deep, unsteady breath. "I couldn't have summoned him! I'm a failure of a mage! He won't follow my orders… he disrespects me… he avoids me… and he keeps calling me 'Claptrap' whatever that means!" From the way her shoulders started shaking, Osmond could tell that she was trying to hide her crying.

"So to confirm, there's no way you could have ordered this 'Zero' creature to attack Mr. Gramont?"

"H-how c-cou-could I? I've on-only seen him three or four times in the past week since I've sum-summoned h-him!" Longueville passed her a handkerchief, which quickly disappeared underneath the mass of pink hair.

"That's all we need to know, then. Please, Miss Longueville. Escort Miss Vallière back to her room. And show in the next witness." The secretary did as she was told, leading Louise out of the room, swapping her for a black-haired servant girl.

Osmond motioned for her to sit down in the chair that Louise had just occupied. "Siesta of Tarbes, correct? Tell me what happened this morning, from the moment you first saw this 'Zero' character."

"He… he came into the kitchens. For food. I think he was preparing to leave," she began. Seeing that Osmond was just listening intently and stroking his long beard, she continued. "I think he wanted better food, because once he realized we were serving breakfast, he followed me into the dining hall."

"What provoked him to attack Mr. Gramont?"

"I… spilled the food on Mr. Gramont's lap. Zero defended me when Gramont threatened to have me tossed from the academy."

"Defend? Mr. Gramont was stabbed through the back, nearly severing his spine. From what I've heard from all the other students, it was an unprovoked attack."

"Well, Zero suggested a duel. Gramont accepted… the rest I don't know. Except that it ended quickly."

"Siesta, tell me why you think he would defend you. How do you see Zero?"

An awkward moment passed before Siesta responded, and it was only in a whisper. "Noppera-bo," was her answer.

"I'm sorry?" Osmond had never heard that term before.

"It's a scary story my grandfather used to tell me and my siblings before bed… that we'd have to be under the covers or else the noppera-bo would come get us." Seeing Osmond's confused look, she continued. "It's supposed to be a kind of faceless ghost. The first time I saw him, he just appeared silently out of nowhere… and he doesn't have a face, but I can still tell when he's staring at me…" She shuddered at the memory.

"I'm afraid I've never heard of this kind of ghost, although it does seem to fit Zero's description," Osmond said.

"It's just one of the many stories passed down in my family," Siesta quickly replied, hoping to end the topic.

Osmond was always curious about Siesta's lineage. Her dark black hair was unlike anything in the kingdom of Tristain- or even the surrounding countries of Halkeginia. She claimed to have been born here, as was the last two generations of her family. It was a curiosity, something that Colbert would probably like to research in his spare time, but not particularly important for today's questioning.

"Thank you, Siesta. Is there anything else you can recall that may help us?"

After thinking for a while, her eyes lit up. "He said he was going to Tristania for work!"

Now _that_ was something useful. Better than any of the information that the other students had managed to give him (most of which consisted of variations on "_Blood… so much blood!"_). He dismissed her, and called for Professor Colbert.

"So, what have you managed to find out about our unusual familiar?"

The balding professor tossed an armful of scrolls on Osmond's desk. "Those runes of his. I've finally managed to translate them. There are no records of it on any familiar before, except once. Maybe."

"Maybe? What do you mean by that?"

"I couldn't find the runeword in any text, no matter how far back I went. Even with some texts borrowed from the Founder's Church and the Royal Archives. I had to translate each rune letter by letter, which brought me to this: _Hulioshjalmr._"

"Hullo-what? That's certainly a mouthful," Osmond said.

"_Hulioshjalmr_," Colbert repeated. "I searched for variants like hulinjalmur, huljbalmir, and the like. I only found one, from an… unofficial source. You know of the four great familiars, correct?"

"Of course. Myovitnirn, the Mind of God. Gandalfr, the Left Hand of God. Vindalfr, the Right Hand of God…"

"And Lifprasir, the Heart of God. Yes. With the four great familiars, Brimir conquered the lands, tamed magic, founded the church, and divided Halkeginia into the four great kingdoms. Well, this is where the story officially becomes unofficial. What I'm telling you here doesn't leave the room, agreed?"

Osmond flicked his wand, creating an aerial barrier that stopped all noise. "Go on."

"One of my… uh… former associates had a copy of a heretic text. This text suggested that the great Brimir had a possible fifth familiar- _Hulioshjalmr._ The Shadow of God. A familiar that was never seen by Brimir's side, and yet… as this text suggested… was Brimir's first familiar."

* * *

"I demand to see my son! What's this I hear about an assassin in the school?" General Gramont marched through the halls of the academy in full military regalia. Flanking him were the two largest and most imposing soldiers under his command, wearing full suits of armour. Everybody who had a shred of sense got out of the way, and only a few could remain calm enough to point him in the right direction.

General Gramont burst into the room, startling the mages tending to Guiche. "Guiche! What is the meaning of this? Who attacked you?"

"Sir! You can't be in here! There are sick and injured students…" one of the maids said.

"Do you know who I am, commoner? I am General Gramont, Gramont of the Brass, Gramont of the Tristainian ground army! Now _get out of my way!_" He turned to address the rest of the room. "And for all you louts who are faking illness just to get out of class, get out of here now or I'll give you a _real_ injury to whine about!" he bellowed. Suddenly, every bed other than Guiche's was no longer occupied.

Guiche was still looking pale from several days' worth of magical healing and massive blood loss, but he was conscious enough to realize he was talking to his father. _Crap._ "Hel… hel… hello father." Guiche managed to wheeze out. Speaking with a newly-healed lung was difficult.

"Guiche. Tell me what happened."

"Ze… Zero…" Guiche wheezed out. He was trying to say, "_Zero's familiar stabbed me"_ but it was all he could manage.

"Zero? Who is this 'Zero?' Is it a nickname of some kind?" He grabbed Guiche's shoulders and shook him to keep the boy from fainting again.

"General Gramont, please! He was stabbed a few days ago and is still recovering," the nurse told him.

"Stabbed? Pah! When I was his age, I was stabbed a dozen times! Had to walk five miles with swords and arrows stuck inside me to get back to my unit. Uphill! Through mud!" He drew his sword and pointed it at his son. "Man up, son! If you're still playing around with flowers instead of swords you'll soon be known as Guiche of the _dirt_."

Guiche fainted.

The general turned to the nurse instead. "Tell me what happened, and who this 'Zero' is."

"Well, it's either this… human-like creature called 'Zero' that was summoned as a familiar, or the student, Louise Vallière, who summoned him. She's been nicknamed 'Zero' as well."

It only took a few minutes of marching through the halls and yelling at scared students to find out where "Zero" was residing. Unfortunately for them, they found the door locked, and some shouting could be heard from the inside.

"_What do you mean you have no familiar? Did you lie to me? You wrote to me about a successful summoning last week!"_

"_Giving up magic? Don't you dare speak such nonsense in front of me! Have you forgotten the Rule-"_

"_WHAAAT?"_

They rapped on the door. A pink-haired lady, who very much resembled an older, taller, and battle-hardened Louise answered the door. "I'm having a talk with my daughter. Go away until I'm finished," she snarled and slammed the door shut.

One of General Gramont's guards asked, "You want me to go in there and teach her a lesson?" He turned to his commanding officer, only to find the man was halfway down the hall already.

"Get away from there, you idiot! Do you have any idea who that is? If Karin wants peace and quiet, Karin _gets_ peace and quiet." The guard looked back and forth between the door and the general. Karin's voice was practically blowing the door of the hinges now. The guards rushed to the general's side.

"Shit, shit, shit. If my son managed to anger the daughter of the Heavy Wind enough that she attacked him, I'm afraid he's a lost cause. Let us… pray for the best. Brimir, save us from Karin's wrath."

* * *

"He's not my familiar! I can't! I won't!" Louise was curled into the fetal position on the grass outside the academy. General Gramont, Karin Vallière, Professor Colbert, Headmaster Osmond, and his assistant Miss Longueville were all present. Guiche had recovered enough to watch the ritual in a chair. Now all they needed was to get Louise to cooperate.

"Louise, if you perform the Familiar Return ritual then all our questions will be answered," Professor Colbert reassured her. "Agreed, everyone? If nothing comes through, then Louise truly has no familiar. She would not be responsible for Zero's actions."

"Even if it were, _I_ will tame whatever beast this 'Zero' is," Karin stated. Easy for her to say, as she had a manticore as a familiar.

"And in the end, we still need answers. If this ritual does not bring Zero here, we will have to go out in search of him," Headmaster Colbert said.

"That's right! This is justice for my son! I will punish those responsible for his condition!" Gramont received a harsh glare from Karin. "That is… I mean, if it turns out to be Louise's familiar, I will certainly aid in helping her discipline it!"

With the assurances of the adults around her, Louise finally summoned up the courage to perform the ritual. It was not nearly as complex or energy-intensive as the Springtime Summoning ritual, but the basic idea was the same. Wherever Louise's familiar was, it would open a portal transport it here. Normally, it would be used if a familiar had been kidnapped by another mage, but that was such a rare occurrence in this day and age it was hardly ever needed.

As Louise began chanting, the summoning circle glowed a familiar violet, and a blinding white light shot into the sky.

When the light receded, in the middle of the circle was the largest manticore Louise had ever seen. It was beautiful. It was deadly. It roared with power, baring large, venomous fangs. It reared up, swiping its massive claws through the air. When its leathery wings flapped, everyone was nearly blown off their feet. They all scrambled to a safer distance to avoid its wildly swinging scorpion tail, which looked like it was trying to stab its own back.

Karin's own manticore, which had been sleeping patiently behind everybody, suddenly looked quite interested.

Louise grew wide-eyed, not in fear, but in excitement. "I changed my mind! This is my familiar! Yes! I've got a manticore as a familiar! I knew it! Zero couldn't have been my-"

The manticore's head exploded, showering everyone with blood, skull, brains, and tooth fragments.

A familiar humanoid shimmered into view as his cloaking system turned off. His helmet showed **"+1**" as he sheathed his sword. He looked around, taking in his location. Not more than five seconds ago he was testing his skills against the local wildlife in the mountains. Now the very same mountains appeared to be several kilometers away. He had been a little distracted by fight, but he did remember a light that was very much like the one the Vault Key had emitted before he was transported to this planet. The difference was that this time, there wasn't any vault key nearby. There shouldn't have been any Eridian tech on this planet at all. He noticed Louise, who was nearly unrecognizable with her pink hair and white skin were now soaked in red.

"Why am I back here?  
Teleportation. How strange.  
Was it you, Claptrap?"

His words shook Louise out of her stupor. "STOP CALLING ME CLAPTRAP!"

"Louise _was _the one who summoned you, Zero," Colbert confirmed. "Both times. It appears that you truly are her familiar."

Whatever response they were expecting, it wasn't what Zer0 did next. He drew his sword again and pointed it at Louise.

"I belong to me.  
You're keeping me prisoner.  
I enjoy freedom."

Everyone drew their wands and pointed them at Zer0. He didn't care. So far, nobody had been able to put a dent in his shields until he came across this animal. That beast was a fun fight, although he was suspecting this planet didn't have much more to offer.

"Wait! Nobody's trying to keep you prisoner, Zero!" Headmaster Osmond declared. "We only need some answers from you. After that, you're free to go."

"Answers?"

"Yes. First, we need to know why you attacked Guiche."

"Duel." Zer0 shrugged. An awkward silence ensued when everyone expected more from him, but he wasn't budging.

"Duels are outlawed. Everyone knows that," Karin said.

"Only between nobles," Osmond replied. "Zero is not a noble. Even if it were against the rules, that wouldn't stop a young, hot-headed student…"

"That's ridiculous! Everyone reported that you stabbed in the back!" Guiche's father shouted and stepped forward. "You call that a duel? This man is a liar!"

"Turned." Zer0 pointed at Guiche. His helmet projected "**LOL.**"

"What do you mean, 'turned?' Why would my son ever turn his back on his opponent? A Gramont does not flee from battle!"

"Idiot." Zer0 was still pointing at Guiche. His helmet's hologram remained unchanged.

"ARE YOU INSULTING MY SON?" roared General Gramont.

"Yes."

"That is it! Fabian, teach this mongrel some manners!" General Gramont gave the order to the larger of his two knights.

"With pleasure," the man replied. He drew a sword in one hand and a wand in the other. "Prepare yourself. I am Fabian of the Living Stone."

Zer0 didn't have much to prepare. He pulled out his sword, which digistructed a fresh blade. It looked like the knight was wearing some kind of low-grade steel, probably softer than the alloys even the cheapest Hyperion Loaders were made of. He immediately turned on Decepti0n and leapt towards his opponent.

Fabian surrounded himself with columns of solid rock, keeping himself in a protective cage of stone. Zer0, still cloaked, watched with interest. He'd never seen anyone do something like this before. Two more stone constructs rose out of the ground, swinging blindly. It was a shame none of them could see him. Zer0 decided to stab one of them just to see how study they were.

It exploded into a shower of pebbles. Zer0 had forgotten that his shield still hadn't recharged yet- it was one of the strangest inventions he'd picked up on Pandora. Normally, it was supposed to either be a shield, or channel its energy into his sword (with explosive results) at the flip of a switch. Except the switch was broken. Now it only channeled that energy into his sword while the shields were depleted, and the switch didn't flip itself back into "shielding" mode for several minutes. And he could never quite control when it chose to do so. It was incredibly fun while it lasted, though.

Fabian continued to summon up golems. Zer0 continued to stab them like it was a game, peppering the area with a constant barrage of flying stone fragments. It was a shame that the man appeared to be tiring already. And he'd still trapped himself inside that little barrier, while forgetting it was open at the top. Granted, three meters in height would have kept most people out, but Zer0 just leapt up and over the columns, stabbing straight down into the man's armour. Like the golems, the man exploded into little fragments of bone and flesh. Darn. He'd gotten a little hasty and ended the fight too early.

As all the stone constructs crumbled back down to the ground, shocked faces surrounded Zer0. His helmet displayed a "**0**" for a second before flickering and changing to a "**0.5**". He hadn't been _completely_ unworthy. If there were others that could provide at least this level of challenge, he wouldn't be bored out of his mind while trying to construct a sub-space distress beacon. Maybe he didn't have to be so rushed to get off this planet after all…

"That was really fun.  
Tell me you have more like him.  
Please. Entertain me."

"**:]**"

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes**:

- I originally wrote "-infinity" for guiche's rating (the actual symbol) but apparently 's documents can't handle the symbol. I tried to find another suitable number.

- The problem, again, with the whole Guiche Fight Scene is that the very premise wouldn't have worked in this story. Normally there's something involving perfume and two-timing, except Zer0 doesn't talk much, he wouldn't give a crap about a perfume bottle, and he barely looks human to these people anyway. So... here's something completely different!

- Note for people who haven't played Borderlands 2: in BL2, when you ask to duel somebody, the fight pretty much starts wherever you're standing.


	3. 401

**Author's Notes:** I'd be insane if I ever thought I owned Borderlands or Zero no Tsukaima.

- I still have yet to finalize Zer0's build and equipment for this story, although I _have_ decided on a few for certain. Then again, with _another_ Ultimate Vault Hunter upgrade pack released, I don't know if level 50, 61, or 72 should be the "canon" endgame Zer0.

- I've noticed that the chapter titles, and occasionally some of the emoticons that Zer0 uses, don't play well with this website. Oh well.

* * *

**Chapter 3: 4^0=1**

A soft knocking sounded at Louise's door around midnight. It was well past curfew, and every lamp in every room had been snuffed out. Normally Louise would have been sound asleep, but a mixture of fear, shame, and dread was keeping her up all night. She stared at the door, huddled in a tight ball on the bed.

The knocks sounded again.

Louise continued staring. She knew who it was. Should she answer it, or not?

The third time, the knocks stopped short. From the light seeping in under the door crack, she saw her visitor walk away. This was one of the toughest decisions of her life. She wanted to disappear forever after what had happened a few days ago. Her mother nearly disowned her. Would her only friend?

_If she makes fun of me, then that's it. I'll disappear forever and live as a hermit,_ Louise decided. She ran for the door, opening it just enough to peek one eye out. "Come in!" she whispered.

The cloaked figure stopped and quickly shuffled into Louise's room, quietly shutting the door behind her. Once she confirmed that they were alone, she dropped her hood. In the moonlight stood a young girl, only a year older than Louise, with dark shoulder-length hair. She smiled gently, but her eyes betrayed her excitement. Underneath the cloak, her dress shimmered in the light, being made of the finest silks and studded with turquoise gems matched to her eyes. Despite not having seen her in years, Louise knew who it was- well, anyone would have. The crown was a dead giveaway.

"Princess Henrietta! I- I beg you to forgive my rudeness for not answering you sooner!" Louise quickly dropped down to her knees and bowed her head.

"Louise! There's no need for you to be so formal! It's been too long!" Henrietta extended her hand and gestured for Louise to stand up. She did, but kept her head low and was trying to avoid eye contact. "I'm sorry if I woke you. Tomorrow is a very important day for you, isn't it?"

Louise continued to look away. Tomorrow was the Familiar Talent Show, a chance for everyone to show off the familiars they summoned. Except for her, of course.

Henrietta pulled her into a hug. She could feel the mass of pink hair quivering slightly in her arms. Whether it was nervousness, excitement, joy, or something else, she couldn't tell. "Th-thank you; you remembered me after all these years…" came a quiet whisper from her shoulders. And a sniffle.

"How could I forget you? You were my only playmate when I was growing up! I always looked forward to every one of our play dates." Henrietta let go of Louise to get a better look at her friend.

"Like the time we got our dresses covered in mud when we tried to go fishing?" Louise asked. She let out a muted chuckle in between sniffles.

"Yes! Mother was so angry with me for being so un-princesslike! I learned to ask the chamberlain to clean my dress and put me in a new one every time after that!" She gave an enthusiastic but restrained laugh, befitting of her station.

Louise finally lifted her head to stare at Henrietta with a shocked expression. "You laugh differently," she blurted out.

"I do!" she sighed. "All this training has been truly a bore. I miss the days when we could run out into the sunshine and play." The princess stared out the window, as if she were surveying the lands that she ruled. "But enough about me. How have you been?"

_So she's got a kingdom to rule and can't have fun any more- that does put the troubles I have with my familiar in perspective. There's no reason to add my burdens to her_, Louise thought. "I-I've been fine. School has been… well, it's difficult, but it's nothing I can't handle…"

"Oh, of course! I hear you summoned an unusual familiar! It seems to be the talk of the whole Academy! Congratulations! I'd like to see it with my own eyes- all the rumours seem to conflict with each other."

"I… um… he's not here," Louise meekly answered.

"Oh? You mean we'll have to sneak down to the barn to see it?" Henrietta turned around and surveyed the room. "I suppose it's quite a powerful familiar if it's too large to live in your room…"

"He… he's not there, either," Louise tried to deftly avoid the question.

Henrietta cocked an eyebrow questioningly. "I don't suppose you mean it's staying in the lake? Did you summon a water familiar like me? They _are_ notoriously difficult to care for." The possibility of matching familiars brought a wide smile to the princess's face.

"No… that's not it at all! My familiar… left," Louise broke down and began to cry.

"Oh, Louise…" Henrietta crouched down and hugged her again. "It's not too unusual for that to happen. Did you manage to complete the ritual? Some people have summoned hawks, or deer, which were too fast to seal before they bolted away. And speaking of water familiars, I know one noble who summoned a fish, but it ended up being too large for the pool they had prepared, and it died before anyone could move it to a lake."

"Thank you, Henrietta… but mine was nothing like that. I only managed to finish the ritual when he injured himself falling from the top of the dorms. Then his runes make no sense whatsoever. And finally… he didn't just run away. He nearly killed Guiche, he _did _kill general Gramont's guard, and then he threatened to _kill_ me if… if I was so presumptuous as to order him around as if I were his master… and worst of all everyone heard it! Everyone here knows my own familiar turned on me the first chance it got. I think it would have been less humiliating if I just failed the summoning ritual."

Henrietta stared as the short story processed in her head. She supposed the rumours of being a weak familiar came from its self-injury, and the rumours of being powerful were correct. Then there were rumours of it being silent and stoic; others claimed it had been brash and aggressive. But there were still the rumours that said it was some sort of demonic monster, and others saying it was almost like a person. "Wait, Louise. You said it _threatened_ you?"

"Yes!" Louise burst into fresh sobs all over again.

"As in, it _spoke? _ And everyone else could hear it speak?"

"YES!"

"Louise, that's amazing! I've never heard of any such thing, and the court has brought me dozens of the most powerful mages in Tristain to tutor me."

"What?"

"It really is! A speaking familiar? It could mean great things for you in the future… even if your familiar isn't by your side. Then again, many mages become great without making use of their familiars. It's just a shame I won't get to see it at the show…"

"Thank you for your kind words, Henrietta… I'm sorry to disappoint you. You won't be seeing me there."

"Nonsense! You know, the whole familiar talent show thing was just an excuse for me to come visit you. Why don't you sit with me tomorrow evening?"

Louise's eyes lit up for the first time all night. "I'd be honoured!"

* * *

Well, he had found a good supply of raw materials. To process it, especially with the technology available on this backwater planet, would take weeks' worth of labour. Now, Zer0 wasn't one to shy away from a difficult job. But mind-numbing manual labour? That was an entirely different story. There were plenty of locals that could handle the tasks, and there were generally two ways to get them to do what he wanted. First was through fear. That usually worked in the short term, but was generally viewed as detrimental to quality of work. And he'd actually have to stand there the whole time making sure they don't run away, which was just as mind-numbing as doing the work himself. There was no point. The second method, obviously, was to pay them. Which meant that Zer0 needed a good-sized pile of the local currency.

As a self-employed assassin, he knew where he needed to go to seek out the special brand of clientele that required his services. It had taken a few bar brawls, some threats, some shady alleyways, but he eventually managed to find some work- and it wasn't even for assassination. Still, one word had piqued his interest.

"_You're going to help us open up an ancient vault_," the man had said.

Great. And of all the places that this mysterious vault could have been, it was back _here_ again. This little school in the middle of nowhere. The place housed interplanetary portals, beasts pulled from across the planet, schoolchildren, and ancient artifacts of notable value. They may as well house the government and army there, too.

Still, the job was simple. Kill any guards that were there, make sure the thief could get in and take the target item, and everything else was up for grabs. Payment on delivery- these people didn't seem to trust thieves and assassins, for some reason.

Apparently they had chosen _this_ day because the academy would be doing some sort of event in the evening, and everyone would be distracted with some show in the auditorium. As he surveyed the grounds from a nearby hill, those so-called strategists were dead wrong. There were _more_ guards patrolling the grounds than he'd ever seen while he was there. Most of them were posted between a very fancy carriage and the main entrance- evidently, some high nobility were in attendance.

If the thief was talented enough, he could probably sneak in, retrieve the item, and come back without any of the guards noticing. If not, Zer0 would have to kill a lot of people.

A thunderous crash drew all the guards' attention. The thief had arrived. Excellent.

* * *

Louise should have realized that she didn't have to be embarrassed in front of her classmates tonight- they all looked awful on stage themselves. After all, they'd only known their familiars for a fortnight, whereas the senior students had gotten to know theirs for a year and a fortnight. The difference in talent was astounding.

One of the seniors, a triangle-class fire mage, had his firefox help him cook and serve a meal to the nobles in the front row. Kirche, arguably the strongest fire mage in the same class as Louise, could barely get her salamander to bow and light up a few scented candles. And then it tried to eat one. Or Guiche, whose routine was nothing more than showing off a well-shampooed animal, had to tackle his giant mole when she got distracted by all the jewelry in the audience. Most of them had struggled to even get their familiars to bow properly..

That is, until Tabitha took the stage. It seemed like cheating, because although she was the same year as Louise, she'd already known her familiar for _years_ before even entering the academy. They were as close as master and familiar could possibly get. Tabitha literally had to do none of the work for her routine: she came on stage, bowed, and sat down. Sylphid walked off stage, pulled an entire four-poster bed on stage, picked up Tabitha, and tucked her in. Everyone clapped and cheered at the sight of an impressively powerful dragon being so cute, but were bowled over to see the show wasn't over. She then repeated a similar routine with a morning routine. She pushed a fully-set breakfast table onto stage, pulled Tabitha from bed and placed her in front of the food. She repeated the routine with a classroom desk, handed Tabitha her schoolbag, and pretended to be a teacher. She finished off by placing Tabitha on a couch and handing her a stack of books. Tabitha bowed in her seat as Sylphid pulled her off-stage.

Louise tried to imagine the same thing with Zer0. He would gently place her in bed, and tuck her in… and then _slit her throat_. Or daintily serve her breakfast… and then _disembowel her_. Maybe he could gently set her down on a comfortable couch with her favourite romantic novel… and then _stab her through the heart_. She shook her head and covered her eyes. _Stop thinking, Louise! Stop it! He's out of life now, and it's for the better!_

"Louise? Why do you suddenly look ill?" Henrietta asked.

"I… uh, it's nothing. Say, are these types of shows really so boring? I thought everyone would be performing grand acts with their familiars, given the way all my classmates were talking."

"I wouldn't know. This is the first one I attended, Louise. I really just used it as an excuse to visit you," she said.

"I… I'm sorry I didn't have a familiar to show you," Louise blushed.

"Don't be! I would have been bored out of my mind without you by my side all night, and then I'd have only seen you for a minute on stage. This is much better."

They turned their attention back to the stage, where Gimli was trying to perform a tap-dancing routine with his gerbil. He was having trouble getting it to even lift a leg, as it was doing its best to take a nap. Finally it got up and managed to tap its foot a few times. The entire building shook.

Everyone dropped to dead silence as they stared at the gerbil. It stared back at them, frozen in fear, before regaining its senses and running off the stage. The building shook again. Likewise, the audience regained their senses as well.

"We're under attack! Princess, come with us!" Instantly, every person in the seats surrounding Henrietta and Louise got up and quickly ushered them away, forcibly pushing other panicked attendees aside to clear a path.

* * *

"You don't look like much of a bodyguard," the thief in front of Zer0 said, eyeing him up and down. "I expected someone a little beefier."

Zer0 didn't flinch as a twenty-foot-tall mass of boulders, in a vague humanoid shape, stomped past him. The only thing thief-like about this person was the fact that she wore a cloak to hide her face, but that hardly stopped the biometric sensors in his visor. She was one of the academy's employees- so this was an inside job.

"Need to find a thief.  
Not a school secretary.  
Seen one around here?"

The thief stood shocked for a second, realizing that her cover had already been blown. "Oh, ha ha, very funny, Zero. At least I already know you can handle yourself. You can call me Fouquet for tonight… after that, I'm back to being Miss Longueville, alright?"

The golem had reached the vault door. It reared back a giant fist, and slammed into the vault hard enough to shake the foundations of the academy. _BOOM_! Pebbles and dust rained from the ceiling.

Zer0 looked back and forth between Fouquet and the golem a few times. For a master-class thief, this was essentially basic thuggery. Smash and grab. He'd expected some kind of lockpicking. Every guard in the entire academy would know what was going on by now- not that he was complaining. He welcomed another chance to meet the locals.

_BAM!_ The golem struck the vault again. Looks like the frame around the door was cracking. One more hit should do it…

_CRACK!_ The wall in front of them split apart, and the heavy vault door toppled over. Beyond the door was a room filled with odd items- very little of it could be considered _treasure_ of the gold-and-diamonds variety. There were plenty of scrolls, a few odd staves and wands, some books, the odd weapon or necklace or trinket- it was more of a historical archive than a treasure trove.

"We're looking for something called the Staff of Destruction," Fouquet told him. "Help me find it. All they told me is that it's like a regular staff, but thicker than usual."

A staff of destruction, but thicker. So, a pole of destruction? A log of destruction? How primitive _were_ these people that a mere stick could be feared for its potential for chaos? Because even if it were a _really nice stick_, they clearly had the ability to create giant stone monsters that could simply _punch a wall to death_. He scanned the room. Nothing of value- unless he managed to find a very rich archaeologist around here.

He was surprised when his visor highlighted an object in magenta. It was still configured to analyze and sort out loot in his field of view, based on some basic analysis of its power output, estimated damage and other unique properties. It highlighted the more interesting items in special colours, with magenta being reserved for E-tech weaponry. Naturally, it hadn't highlighted anything at all in his time on this planet. Was it malfunctioning?

He stepped up to it and picked it up. No, it wasn't malfunctioning at all. And this weapon wasn't E-tech; a technology applied to modern weapons by reverse-engineering Eridian weapons. No, this was an Eridian weapon itself. If he had to make a guess- some kind of rifle? What was this thing _doing_ here?

In an instant, it all clicked into place. Vault key. Vault. Teleportation. Eridian tech. Eridium. Siren-like powers. They were all related. If they were all related… then there could be _more_ Eridian tech here. More loot. More vaults.

Oh boy. He went from to **=D** in an instant. Maybe he didn't have to leave this planet so quickly after all.

"Did you find it?" Fouquet asked, dropping a pile of variously-decorated sticks.

"Probably."

"Let's see it!" Fouquet snatched the launcher out of his hands, but had no clue what it was. She tried wielding it in one hand like it were an actual staff, with the butt of the rifle in the air and digging the barrel into the ground. "How are you even supposed to carry this thing?"

Zer0 snatched it back from her and cleaned off the barrel. Well, it wasn't really a barrel, as it had no hole, but it _did_ have some kind of digi-projection elements. He held up the rifle properly and aimed at their exit path, where several guards had already gathered. He pressed on a button he guessed was the trigger. Nothing happened.

There wasn't any time to figure out how this weapon worked. He pushed the Eridian rifle into his SDU, and brought out a submachine gun he'd found on Pandora. Great weapon, but…

"_Swappin' weapons! AIIIIEEEEEeeeEEEEeeeEEEEeeeEEEAYAYAYAYAYAIIII!"_ A blood-curdling, eardrum-splitting screech filled the air as he pulled the trigger. _"Stopped firin'!" _Five guardsmen dropped to the ground in as many bullets. Yes, great gun… but it just would not shut up.

He turned back to Fouquet, who laid on the ground in a fetal position. "What in the name of Brimir's balls was that?" The golem that she had prepared for escape was now just a pile of rocks.

"Weapon." Oh, and the weapon was cursed. Some would say the annoying voice was curse enough, but it happened to drive the human mind to insanity, with enough exposure. Good thing Zer0 wasn't human. Not so good for everyone within earshot. Lucky for them, he'd only use it to clear a path, enough to get into open space in order to use his sword. There were no bullet vending machines on this planet, after all. He had to be conservative.

Zer0 made a rush for the door, as more guards came into view.

"_Takin' aim!"_

"_Firin'! RATATATATATATATAAAAAAA!"_

"_Aimin' again!"_

"_BULLETS! WAHOOOOOO!"_

"_Firin'! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!"_

"_REEEEEEEEELOADIN'!"_

He made it to the exit, only nine guards and nine bullets. Perfect. He put the SMG away _("Swappin' Weapons! Bubye naow!")_ and pulled out his sword. He _really_ wanted to stab the mad engineer at Hyperion who built the gun – and integrated the voice module so deeply that it was impossible to remove or silence. One good stabbing should teach him a lesson. But first things first- he had a job to finish and more people to kill.

"You there! Stop right now! We have you surrounded!" One of them was dressed more fancily than the others. Clearly the commanding officer. It was always nice of people to identify themselves as priority targets.

He ran up towards the commander, without even activating Decepti0n. A single slash aimed at the neck… and it was dodged. Good. This guy had better instincts than the others he'd fought. The commander brought his wand up and created a wall of flame. Zer0 could have let his shields absorb it, but he dodged anyway. Just for good practice. He stayed low on the roll and took a swipe at the commander's ankles. The mage jumped back, narrowly saving his toes from being chopped off, and started backpedalling. He maintained a floating wall of fire

"I am the Flaming Shield of the Griffin Knights! I can melt any steel before it has a chance to pierce my armour! Come at me, assassin!"

"No." Zer0 darted to the side.

"What?" The response took all of them by surprise- especially the officer on Zer0's right, who had expected a duel between his commander and the assassin. Zer0's sword had pierced his neck before he realized that this wasn't going to be a duel. "**1**" flashed above his helmet.

"Knights! All of you, attack!"

Too bad for the commander- he glanced away to give the order. Zer0 wasn't standing where he was pointing any more. Zer0's attack from his open, undefended backside would have been fatal if not for another officer- some wind mage who sent an indiscriminate blast of wind at both of them. It knocked the commander away and diverted Zer0's sword, causing him to merely glance off the commander's armour.

A torrent of water came crashing down, which Zer0 dodged. It was clearly magically controlled, bouncing back and forth to follow him. It was clearly trying to keep him away from the commander. No matter. There was another open target just behind him.

This one was trying to create a small force of steel golems. He was too concentrated on trying to animate them to see Zer0 rush in between them and stab him through the spine. **"2"** shimmered into the air. All of the golems collapsed as the mage died, and the others diverted their attention away again.

Zer0 went for the commander again. He dodged a spear of ice and slashed through magical chains without slowing down. The commander put up his signature shield once more, and set off an explosion that knocked Zer0 backwards through the air. A strong gust of wind pushed him into a hovering ball of water. Swimming was useless, as the water acted more like a sticky goop.

"Finally caught you," the mage in front of him said, sneering.

"Wrong." Zer0 pulled out a sniper rifle from his SDU. Its barrel was long enough to poke out of the water ball, right in front of the mage's face. The fact that Zer0 just materialized a weapon didn't register in his brain fast enough before it exploded into flaming mist. **3. **With his death, the water prison collapsed.

"_Oh, point blank with a rifle? Some sniper you are."_ Zer0 put away the gun. That Hyperion engineer _really_ needed to die a horrible, horrible death.

A tornado of rocks rose up and swept him up while pelting him from every direction. The shield he had was holding up just fine, but it was rather difficult to keep his balance and stay on target. The tornado seemed to be getting hotter- all three remaining mages were working together on this one. No matter. As Zer0 tumbled back and forth through the firestorm, he waited until he tumbled near the ground. At the right moment, he stabbed his sword deep down and held on tight. He pulled himself closer to the ground, keeping an eye on the mages around him. With a strong pull, he abandoned his sword and leapt out of the tornado, straight towards the wind mage. A single, powerful punch sent the man crumbling to the ground. The firestorm collapsed into nothing more than a bunch of heated rocks.

A stream flame streaked towards Zer0 while the ground at his feet turned to soft sand, causing him to sink down. He grabbed the recently-unconscious body to use as a human shield and let it absorb the flames. The spell quickly stopped as the commander saw he was roasting his own officer. **"3" **changed to **"4"** but dropped back down to **"3.5."**

Zer0 used the charred body as extra support to quickly push himself up and out of the sand, then bolted towards the earth mage. He grabbed his sword along the way, and threw it immediately. Despite not expecting such an unorthodox attack, the man managed to partially evade the attack- the sword lodged itself into his shoulder. Too late to do anything, though- Zer0 had reached him, kicked his legs out from under him, grabbed his sword and completed the slash. **4.5.**

"You… you killed my squad! I won't let you get away with this, even if it costs me my life!"

The commander was burning with rage- literally burning. His skin and armour were now on fire, and his eyes began to glow. He charged towards Zer0, shooting spell after spell haphazardly, setting the entire field on fire while narrowing Zer0's escape routes. Zero simply picked up his sword, digistructed a fresh blade, and rammed it into the charging commander's chest. Instead of collapsing the man gave a feral grin and grasped at Zer0's wrists. The flames grew hotter, and the light from his eyes brightened to a blinding white. An explosion rocked the grounds, with Zer0 at its epicenter.

* * *

High above the fight, Tabitha watched the fight with caution. She saw Zer0 dart back and forth between six triangle or square-class mages, taking each of them out one by one. Fast, efficient, ruthless. And his weapons were alien to her – even the simple sword could vanish and reappear at will. Why was he back? Why was he doing this? She didn't have a clue, and didn't want to risk becoming one of his targets to find out.

After the explosion, though, she didn't expect him to survive. The best she could do was summon some rain to put out the fires before they spread to the buildings. As the flames died down, she noticed a small light that wouldn't go out. A light that read, **"5.0 =P." **Straining her ears, she could hear a distinctive voice through the showers.

"Suicide Psychos-  
None of them could blow me up  
And they run faster."

Zer0 looked straight up at her and nodded in acknowledgement. So, as long as she stayed out of the way… that was fine.

"Kukuku!" The dragon she was riding on squealed.

"I see her, Sylphid." Tabitha watched as a second figure came scurrying out of the hole in the academy foundation and rush towards Zer0. After a brief exchange, the figure quietly began to make its way to the front gate.

At that moment, the princess stepped out the front door. Her guards noticed Zer0. Oh no. She saw a distinctive shimmer across his whole body. All but two guards advanced on Zer0, who was strolling casually towards them. The two remaining guards were rushing Princess Henrietta towards her carriage. Tabitha wanted to warn them all, that the Zer0 they were seeing was merely an illusion, but she was here to lay low, not perform heroics. And certainly not get herself killed before she could accomplish her own mission.

As expected, all the guards who advanced on the illusion were shocked by powerful lightning magics while the real Zer0 reappeared- right beside the princess. Her two remaining guards dropped to the ground while Zero held her at swordpoint. Even more guards were rushing in now, but they all kept their distance when they saw the princess being held hostage. She cast several wind spells to hear what was going on more clearly.

"S-So… You are the infamous Zero, are you not?" Henrietta was saying.

"Yes."

"I hear you're a very powerful assassin."

Zero didn't answer, but instead flashed **"5.0 =)" **on his helmet. The princess was confused as to what that meant, but she didn't press further.

"Are you here to kill me?"

"No."

The princess was genuinely surprised at his answer. "If that is the case… then why have you slain so many of my guards?"

_Yes, why?_ Tabitha thought. She watched the cloaked figure slowly limp in the shadows, away from the guards, still making their way to the front gate. He was simply stalling for time- and _took a princess hostage to do it_.

"Inconvenience."

"Am I an inconvenience?" Henrietta asked.

"Shield."

"Ah." Henrietta nodded in understanding. They stood quietly for a few moments, with Henrietta motioning for the others to keep their distance. "Tell me, Zero… are you an assassin for hire?"

"Yes."

"I… I could pay you handsomely to turn your sword against somebody else. Are you interested?"

"I would like money.  
But even more, I would like  
A worthy target."

"I see. Well, when I have one… I will be sure to contact you. Being the princess of Tristain, I have many powerful enemies, you know. It could be… er… very profitable for you to keep me alive. I could find you plenty of worthy targets. A… um… mutually beneficial relationship, as it were."

Zer0 said nothing. He let her go, now that the cloaked figure had left the grounds and was completely out of sight. Tabitha didn't care that the princess had just fainted, or that the figure that held her hostage was _yet again_ an illusion. She now knew that Zer0 was willing to be hired. Moreover, he was looking for someone worthy to fight. Tabitha knew someone who was _very_ worthy of being skewered by his sword.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End notes:**

- yeah, I have to admit that was a bit of a curbstomp battle... but either way, it's hard to "balance" out the opposition. Canon, no matter how you look at it, involves Zer0 defeating The Warrior (with a team of Vault Hunters). The ZnT universe just... doesn't have anything to compete against that. So while I _am_ trying to keep this exciting, it _will_ mean deviating from the standard ZnT plotlines very quickly.

- For that note, while I don't intend this to become a standard Louise-and-her-loyal-familiar story, I still need to find a good way to keep Louise _in_ the story while Zer0's running around wrecking face. I mean, even in canon, Louise was pretty useless in everything without the help of Saito. She was a walking, talking... well, that was about it. She walked and talked a lot. Not much magic going on there.

- for those unfamiliar with the most annoying of talking guns in Borderlands... youtube link = Rpi4jU_hV0U


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